the Run-Around

The time is spring and just as the flowers are in bloom,
my world is too.
I've changed immensely throughout the 2 years that I have been out of high school,
but for some very significant reason the change I am enduring right now is the roughest.
All of the possible "easy way outs" have vanished and I am standing at a cross roads
of either the comfort of my past or the scary unknown of my future.
Isn't it obvious that the choice I should make is my future? I mean, duh Brittny! But the past has this genius way of disguising itself with new potential.
So whenever the future breaks me down, the comfort of my past is like a breathe of fresh air.
I repeatedly take steps back.
Then when I realize I need to be strong and continue moving forward I drop the past, but only to pathetically come crawling back when the fear reappears.
It is a vicious circle and I am caught in the current.
I am so ashamed of this because I don't want to seem weak;
not to mention these tired issues are growing old amongst my friends.
You think I would learn, but sometimes I just feel so absorbed...
like I don't have ultimate control.
But I do have ultimate control, with my heart.
I MUST START LISTENING TO MY HEART.

think of this as My Diary.

Let's see, what are my fears?

Death? that's a good one.
Never loving?! that's an even better one.
Never living?!! that's it.

i fear that my life could be over at any given second
and i won't be remembered. i need to be remembered because
i want the satisfaction that i made a difference on Earth.

...even though i don't think we can take our satisfaction with us when we die.

perhaps i just want to love while i'm here.
and perhaps, living is loving.
perhaps...